Successful College Launching
One of the biggest parenting wins you can have is to successfully launch your child. I see launching as the crucible of parenting. It’s when you set yourself and your “child” free. It also happens to be one of the riskiest times in a young person’s life for developing mental health disorders and a vulnerable time period for married couples as the organization of the family must be adjusted and this is often a painful task and parents are ill prepared. This transition worsened by a fledgling college student who failed to fly on their own.
I’ve sat with families in over 7,000 hours of therapy in my career thus far and I’ve observed the same patterns over and over again.
I believe the following factors block college launching:
No mutual freedom at home with parents/caregivers
If you want your child to be successful on their own, they must have practice being successful with you at home. Every year your child deserves more control over their own life. This means in decisions especially. Things your child will need to learn to decide for themself include:
Friendships
Course of Study
Timing/Time Management
Dating/Romance
Exercise
Sleep
Cleanliness
Prioritization
Drugs and Alcohol
Work Ethic
And more…
Help your child learn to make these decisions and build confidence in doing so by asking them questions, by observing out loud, by modeling them yourself, by setting boundaries when they continue to come to you to decide for them. A little more responsibility every passing year is far better than all of the responsibility in one year.
Poor self-management
Self-management is the ability to take responsibility for the most basic tasks of care and utility including bathing, sleeping, eating etc. It also includes executive functioning skills such as prioritization, organization and time management.
Show them how to do this and even do for them when they are younger. Then start praising them and rewarding them for doing it on their own. Avoid criticism or questioning of minor decisions.
No mentorship
Your child will need more than you to model being an adult for them. Introduce them to safe mentors throughout their childhood. Share your values and principles with these mentors and hold them close. Let your child witness that you can handle them loving and admiring other adults besides you. Set them up to know how to ask for help or guidance from other adults before they leave you.
Limited experiential learning
It’s not enough to read about life, it’s critical your child goes out and lives it. Expand the classroom to your house, to the outdoors, to after school activities, to trips outside of your hometown. Add diversity to your child’s life so they aren’t afraid to step into something new and keep moving forward themselves.
Not enough social connections/community
Network with your child at a young age. Expand their social world in a safe and stepped way each year. The more socially connected your child is, the better foundation they will have out on their own. At first you will build this social world for them and then they will take on the responsibility of maintaining it by high school. Much of the research on longevity demonstrates that relationships and community are paramount to health and happiness. Emphasize this early.
Mismatch of college to student
If your child goes to a school because they believe it’s what they should do or you want them to do or it’s what is expected of them, you open your child up to a mismatch which can be disastrous in the first year of launching. The rate at which freshmen are transferring schools has increased in the last few years. You can prevent this second transition by helping your child to identify a school that matches them. Think through size, areas of study, social network, alumni network, teacher/student ratio, access to transportation, distance from you, quality of food and dorm life, school engagement, cost and more.
Too much debt/financial pressure
Not every student is prepared for taking on financial strain at such a young age. Those students who are more sensitive or neurotic to stress - making deep meaning out of it - will struggle with “owing” for their education. Walk through the numbers with them. Let them ask as many questions as they have of you and maybe even a financial advisor.
Untreated mental health disorders
Set your child up at a young age with a therapist or counselor that they can rely on for a sounding board incrementally. As they have a need to process with a neutral adult in their childhood, offer them this resource. It will help assess any possible mental health disorders rather than risk being surprised by them after launching. Additionally it will help your child learn to ask for help, take greater self responsibility and normalize the undulations of emotion and stress that are inherent in being an adult.